One... More.... Day.....

Auto response from Theamusek: In the last 24 hours, I have written:

~a two-page handwritten essay on Napoleon
~a three-page handwritten essay on the ideals of the French Revolution
~a four-page typed paper on the trial and execution of Louis XVI
AND
~a fifteen-page typed paper on Robespierre.

I'm feeling very proud of myself right now. :-)

Lord Krantz: You could be the next star of 24!


Hehehe. Krantz makes me laugh. Thanks to all you people who left me encouraging messages and stuff, by the way. I was really scared I wouldn't be able to do it for a while, but your words lifted me up.... okay, I'm kidding. But it was nice to get messages and have the excuse to procrastinate just a teensy bit more.

I wrote damn good papers, too. :-)

Spring Break starts tomorrow after my Acting exam. And thank God for that. The exam I'm not worried about. I know my lines, and I've done good work. When we worked with Doug today he complimented us on what we've done so far, and it was really nice to get that kind of confirmation from him. And I'm in good shape as far as classwork and stuff goes, too, so I'm feeling pretty good. And then tomorrow night Dad and the boys will be here! I'm really excited to see them again. We'll go out to dinner somewhere and it will be great. I've been really homesick recently -- which is weird, because I'm NEVER homesick. But here lately just thinking about hugs from my parents or Jack or Michael makes me all teary-eyed... it's pathetic! :-/ Seriously, I've never gotten like this before. Maybe being with someone I care about so much has opened my eyes to how much I care about all the important people in my life. I mean, two nights ago when Karen called on her way to the hospital, I started shaking I was so worried. And thank goodness she's okay, but that night when I didn't know and I hadn't heard from her at all I couldn't sleep. I was really upset thinking how much I'd hate myself if something happened to her, or to anyone, while I'm here at school. And I felt awful for not just driving straight up there to see her, but then I thought "you know, I have exams." But don't you think that if your best friend in the whole world was dying or something that you'd fail a couple classes to go and be with her? That's all I could think, was that if something was really wrong with Karen and I had stayed here because of school, that I'd never forgive myself. And I hate that I'm stuck down here when stuff's going on with my family and I'm so distanced from it. How am I supposed to be a good sister when I'm never there?? *sigh* I've really been struggling with this lately. So I'm glad I'm going home on Saturday.

Welps, time for me to go get ready for dinner at Olive Garden with the boy. :-) I'm excited!!!

I should be writing my paper...

1. My roommate once: got to attend an autopsy

2. Never in my life have I: been on a *real* roller coaster

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile: *obvious answer* Bounds

4. High School was: some of the best years of my life, and way easier than Furman. Boo.

5. When I'm nervous: I laugh too much and I chew on my fingers

6. The last time I cried was: yesterday when I found out I didn't get the job

7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: Karen, Zaruba, Audrey, Emily, Suzie, Suzanne, Libby, and probably Rachel, assuming if I get married right now I'm marrying Bounds :-P

8. If you were an animal, I would be: a wolf

9. My hair is: getting too long...

10. When I was 5: I was totally cute

11. Last Christmas I: really hated my parents for being divorced

12. When I turn my head left, I see: pictures of Karen, Emily, Audrey, and Meghan

13. I should be: WRITING MY PAPER

14. When I look down I see: Valentine stickers that I didn't use

15. The craziest recent event was: not an appropriate topic of conversation :-)

16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: Monica, apparently...

17. By this time next year: I hope I'm in Europe

18. Current Relationship Status: very, very attached

19. I have a hard time understanding: how some of the people in my history class got into Furman

20. One time at a family gathering: my grandmother got mad at me for liking "Jesus Christ Superstar" because it was "anti-Christian"

21. You know I "like" you if: you're Matt Bounds

22. If I won an award, the first person(people) I'd thank is (are): my parents, and Z

23. Take my advice: never give a flying fuck what other people think

24. My ideal breakfast is: homemade bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. And pancakes, either Mimi's or Granddaddy's.

25. If you visit my hometown: leave, and take me with you

26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon: UNC in a few weeks, Sedona, Arizona in a few months, and Maui over the summer....

27. If you spend the night at my house: I hope you like dogs

28. I'd stop my wedding if: someone died

29. The world could do without: plenty of things, really, and people, too.... but I don't want to get personal, so we'll stick with organized religion

30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: any of my various and sundry stalkers....

31. The most recent thing I bought myself was: a plane ticket, if you count me paying Bounds back for it today

32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me was: a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, a cookie cake, and the first season of Grey's Anatomy (I'm a lucky girl, I am)

33. My favorite blonde is: Bounds

34. My favorite brunette is: Patrick Dempsey :-P

35. And by the way: I love cheese

36. The last time I was high: was in another life

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: elephants, that would be funny

38. I shouldn't have been: such a procrastinator this term

39. Once, at a bar: my mom gave me Guinness

40. Last night I: watched four episodes of Grey's Anatomy, helped Bounds with a paper, and did a whole heckuva lot of Sudoku puzzles

41. There's this boy I know who: I can't talk about in my blog or I'd be a hypocrite

42: I dont know: what to give Bounds for his birthday (yipe!)

43. A better name for me would be: nope, I've already played this game

44. If I ever go back to school I'll: graduate, eventually

45. How many days until my birthday?: eight months and eleven days till I'm 20... I feel young





And another one, just because I can....

1. Honestly, are you in love right now?: *blushes* yeah...

2. Honestly, what color is your underwear?: dark blue and light blue stripes

3. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?: issues in Madrigals.... we need more boys

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?: putting off a paper by filling this silly thing out

5. Honestly, what did you do today?: skipped class to sleep, went to the infirmary, took a shower, went to the UC and got a paycheck, of which a lot went to Bounds for the plane ticket, and am now about to go out to dinner before coming back to work on this @$#*$&@ paper

6. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?: it depends on the day. not recently.

7. Honestly, have you done something bad today?: yep, I'm a liar...

8. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?: no

9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: a little bit

10. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?: Bounds, singing, Karen, singing, my FUtones friends, singing, reading, singing

11. Honestly, do you bite your nails?: yep

12. Honestly, what is your mood right now?: kind of blah, really... not looking forward to being in the RA office tonight, or to writing my paper

13. Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?: always Bounds, but kind of randomly, Suzanne, Suzie, Karen, my mom, my dad, and both my brothers... I'm missing people a lot recently :-/

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?: it's not that deep or dark, I don't think... although I guess... well, okay, yes

15. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?: hate is kind of a strong word, don't you think?

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?: Zaruba, since she hasn't had a very good week

17. Honestly, are you in denial?: oh, I'm sure I am, about something, anyway

18. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?: who wouldn't?

19. Honestly. Who would you like to have sex with right now?: you say "right now" as though the answer changes from moment to moment

20. Honestly, do you like someone?: *giggle* yeah...

21. Honestly, does anyone like you?: gosh, I hope so

22. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?: it's going lots of places *innocent look*

23. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?: but of course



Yeah, I haven't gotten anything written. But I kind of needed to do something mindless for a while after the last few days of ridiculous drama. More later.

Just Cause I'm Bored....

Two's.

Two Names You Go By (besides the obvious)
1. Punkass
2. K. Money

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Native American
2. English

Two Things That Scare You
1. having to sleep in a room or (especially) house by myself
2. confrontation (though you wouldn't guess it, really)

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. hair tie
2. phone

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. my suede jacket
2. a new pair of jeans

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. trust
2. fun

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You About Guys/Girls.
1. I like backs.
2. and eyes.

Two Books you are reading
1. Angels & Demons (again)
2. The Empty Space (for class)

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. singing at the top of my lungs in the car with the music turned up like whoa
2. Monday Night Movies

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. self-confidence
2. to go to Italy next winter

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Nice, France
2. Greece

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. raise children
2. write a book

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. what to get the boy for Valentine's Day
2. budgeting my money.....

Two people you haven't talked to in a while
1. Suzie
2. Libby

Two pets you've had
1. Holly (cocker spaniel)
2. Fritz (wolf/mutt mix puppy)

Two Favorite Sports
1. to watch: baseball and football
2. to play: swimming and tennis (even though I can't play tennis to save my life)

Two things you did last nite
1. saw a comedian with Bounds, Zaruba, Crawford, Adrienne, and Blaine
2. got a massage :-)

Two shows you like to watch
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Friends reruns

Two people close to you
1. Bounds
2. Karen

Funk

I'm feeling very insecure in anticipation of my loneliness. Does that make me pathetic?

I've been trying to ignore the question of the next few years as best I can recently, but it won't go away. I know, most of you are thinking "why is she so worried, it's only February....?" but.... something as big as The Next Two Years kind of makes you think. A lot. And it can get depressing.

Two years.




The problem becomes that I think too much about that prospect, and I get really sad. And then nothing goes my way for the rest of the day. That's all it takes to make me react badly to things, or to feel bad about myself or something. And this creates rather a problem in my everyday existence. Today, for example. I didn't even think about it that much, it just popped up into my head after I met with Dr Bibb about the Italy trip next year. I was thinking about how the trip ends on Valentines Day, and "oh, la de da, wouldn't it be romantic and blah blah blah if Bounds showed up in Italy on Valentine's Day, how cool." And then -- I swear to God it was like one of those little cartoons with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other -- the voices in my head had a little argument with themselves. What if we're not together then? Well, that's just crazy talk and it's depressing besides, you shouldn't think like that. Well, what if by that time the passion's gone and he doesn't WANT to meet you in Italy? That's just ridiculous, though. Yeah, you think so now, but you just wait until you've been three states away from him for four months and across the ocean from him for two and then see how he feels. He'll miss me, he'll want to see me. Or, he'll be fed up with having a girlfriend who's never there, and he'll give up. ........And on, and on, and on.

And it fucked up the rest of my day.

Everything everyone said was tainted somehow. I took things the wrong way and only accomplished making myself thoroughly miserable. I had fun with Zaruba at dinner but had only depressing things to say about my relationship, which shouldn't be the way I portray it, because I'm so much happier than I've ever been! except for this whole graduation thing. But that's really the only thing that's bumming me out and I hate that it can ruin my day the way it did. I was in a pissy mood all night. He came over and we played cards -- and granted, I'm kind of a sore loser, especially when I play cards, and so I always pout a little when he wins. But tonight there were TEARS welling up when he beat me, and I had just beaten him, and it doesn't even make SENSE....

I sound like a crazy person. I realize that. But I really haven't actually vented this to anyone and it needed to be vented tonight. Maybe now I'll be able to sleep through a night. I hope.



On a much happier note, I'm living with Suzanne and Ellen and Rachel next year. Which makes me smile when I'm feeling sad. So that's a nicer way to end this particular entry.