Getting Through

Six more weeks of classes. I just have to get through those and then...

Well, and then there's the summer to get through. I realized today that I feel like I'm just "making it through" life one step at a time, and I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure how to change it, I just know that I need to. Matt says that I need to just realize that that's sort of how life is for everyone, and the change I need to make is just to accept it and live with it... maybe he's right. Maybe it's just a question of deciding that making it through is equivalent to living life to the fullest.

I don't know, though. Part of me thinks there's more to it than that, and I just haven't found what it is yet. A lot of this probably has to do with my frustration at not having a clue what I want to do with my life.

Whatever it is I'm searching for, I'm not going to find it tonight... here's what's "getting me through" this week.

Sunday - all day Singers tour. Not exactly excited about this, but it's taking up a day. So yeah.
Monday - Pizzle's birthday party. This will be fun. :)
Tuesday - maybe a limoncello reunion with some Italy folks? And definitely coffee with my Rome roomie, which I'm really looking forward to.
Wednesday - two exams. Huzzah. And Madrigals rehearsal, always a good thing.
Thursday - the first round of the Directing class ten-minute plays, and then a Singers performance that night. (missing FUtones rehearsal AGAIN. not cool.)
Friday - more ten-minute plays, but more importantly, THE BEGINNING OF THE FUTONES RETREAT. Oh thank goodness for that. I am in need of a retreat in a huge way.

And then only one more week before Matt comes to visit and lots of fun things happen while he's here. Excellent. :)

I've been getting homesick for Italy recently. I think life was better there because I lived every day just for that day and it was always worth it. I think that's what I want "real life" to be like, too.

Any ideas on how I can make it that way?

I Suppose I COULD be Doing Work...

I'm using this as a tool for procrastination, once again... ah well. It happens.

Went up to Baltimore for Easter break. It was... interesting, I guess is a good word. It was great to be with Matt and see him again, obviously... but the conversion attempt by his mother was not such a fantastic part. She means well, I know. But she hurt my feelings and scared me a lot by telling me that she thinks I'm wrong in what I believe -- I know she's not right, that's not why I'm scared. I'm scared that because this is such a big deal to her I will never have a good relationship with her. I'm scared that she will try to ruin what Matt and I have together by telling him that I'm a pagan or something. I don't know. I am a Christian, just not a conservative one... but to her, that's too big of a difference.

Sigh. It was just hard.

And... it's hard to share Matt. It was his birthday on Sunday, AND it was Easter, so the whole weekend involved family and friends pretty much all the time. I expected that, I knew it was coming, and I appreciated why it was the case. But it's still hard to share. I hadn't seen him in 5 weeks... that's almost as long as when I was in Italy! I wanted alone time with him and we didn't get much. I was disappointed and it was hard to be cheerful at times. This stupid long distance thing is really getting to me. I hate it. HATE. The worst thing was that when we did get time together it wasn't quality time. Quality over quantity, okay. But our only extended time together was on Monday afternoon and evening, and most of it was spent with him writing a paper for his class. Obviously I knew he had to, there wasn't anything we could have done to change that. But it still sucked. We didn't get to go out to a movie -- oh, we almost did, and we could have, but he would have been up until 3:00 finishing his paper, if he even was able to finish it by then, and even without a movie we were up until nearly 2:00. We didn't get to do a lot of things that I had hoped we could do -- little things that I was looking forward to for no real reason except that they're OUR things. Playing Canasta. Falling asleep watching a movie. Reading to each other. Reading with each other. Working Sudoku puzzles. See? Silly stuff, I know. But it was important to me.

I'm just sad because I'm tired and I had to leave this morning and I really didn't want to. I was dissatisfied and I didn't like leaving that way. I have to just keep telling myself that he will be here in two weeks and two days... but that seems like forever.

I hate this.

And having all this work to do doesn't help at all. Guess I should try to get some of it done though. Later.