wow

So, it's been almost two months since I've written in this thing.

So much for keeping my Maui journal in here... that's okay, though. I have it in my handwritten journal and that's enough. No one else is probably all that interested in it anyway... isn't that the way we always are? Everyone is so sure that her story is inordinately fascinating to the rest of the world. It's not, really. I think it's tv that makes us think like this. I mean, I'm completely addicted to Grey's Anatomy and for all the wrong reasons. I like feeling like I'm in the know in these (fake) people's lives. It's... "cozy" is the wrong word, but it sort of gets what I'm going for. It's a feeling of being totally invested in someone else's life, of truly caring what goes on and how they feel and what they think. It's very intimate. And I have no idea what makes everyone so intent on watching these made-up lives on tv, but whatever it is, it makes you believe that your life is also interesting. If things happen to you that feel important or funny or striking in any kind of way, you automatically assume that other people, especially your friends, must find them equally intriguing. But they don't. At least... not on the same level. Sad that we can find ourselves addicted to shows like The Bachelor (not me, my roomie) yet not find time to observe others' lives with the same care and enthusiasm. Makes me wonder if I would be a better person if I took the hour of Grey's Anatomy every week and devoted it to catching up with friends instead.

Probably.

But I'm not going to... I can't quit my show. :-P Hooray for being a terrible person.

General update = my life is insane. Three classes, none of which I would call easy. An extra class in preparation for the trip to Italy. Furman Singers. Madrigals. FUtones. I was working... yeah, that had to go pretty quickly. I think it would have had to regardless of Furman Singers, which was the only extra thing I added this term... I just needed more time to get things done outside of when I'm actually participating in something... you know? I need time to do WORK for class, not just go to class. Time to PREPARE for the singing groups, not just to be in them. And preferably, some time to be a freaking person. You know, on the side. ::sigh:: Life is un poquito difficult right now.

I'm feeling really lonely. Perhaps that's why I felt the need to write in this thing again. It's not just Matt being gone -- I mean, of course that's a big part of it, but that's not all it is. It's not having a group here. People in Singers are... hard to get to know, and that's putting it kindly. I love, love, LOVE the FUtones, but we're not a cult the way a cappella groups at other schools are. Same with the Madrigals... we're just not close. I only see them at rehearsals. Rooming with Suzanne is awesome, but she's (brace yourself) popular. Everyone loves Suzanne, so we rarely hang out. I just don't have friends, really. I have no one to hang out with. And I really miss having a group of girlfriends that I could rely on the way I did in high school. I don't have that here and it's getting really depressing. It's my own fault, I know. I crippled myself freshman year when I only ever hung out with Matt. Sometimes theatre people, but even then, Matt was almost always there. I was way too obsessive about "us" and I stopped thinking about me. Last year was better because MaBo and I were both so busy that I kind of had to do my own thing sometimes. And I actually made friends... most of whom graduated. Gah. But last year wasn't so much better that I had a foundation to build on this year. I just feel really alone. The thought of two more years this... separated from other people.... it's just hard to think about. Makes me want to quit school, honestly. But that's another story.

And I'm rambling, and I need to write an English paper. And do laundry. And read for Poli Sci. And also for English. Oh, and eat dinner, that would be good.

Sigh.