Funk
I'm feeling very insecure in anticipation of my loneliness. Does that make me pathetic?
I've been trying to ignore the question of the next few years as best I can recently, but it won't go away. I know, most of you are thinking "why is she so worried, it's only February....?" but.... something as big as The Next Two Years kind of makes you think. A lot. And it can get depressing.
Two years.
The problem becomes that I think too much about that prospect, and I get really sad. And then nothing goes my way for the rest of the day. That's all it takes to make me react badly to things, or to feel bad about myself or something. And this creates rather a problem in my everyday existence. Today, for example. I didn't even think about it that much, it just popped up into my head after I met with Dr Bibb about the Italy trip next year. I was thinking about how the trip ends on Valentines Day, and "oh, la de da, wouldn't it be romantic and blah blah blah if Bounds showed up in Italy on Valentine's Day, how cool." And then -- I swear to God it was like one of those little cartoons with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other -- the voices in my head had a little argument with themselves. What if we're not together then? Well, that's just crazy talk and it's depressing besides, you shouldn't think like that. Well, what if by that time the passion's gone and he doesn't WANT to meet you in Italy? That's just ridiculous, though. Yeah, you think so now, but you just wait until you've been three states away from him for four months and across the ocean from him for two and then see how he feels. He'll miss me, he'll want to see me. Or, he'll be fed up with having a girlfriend who's never there, and he'll give up. ........And on, and on, and on.
And it fucked up the rest of my day.
Everything everyone said was tainted somehow. I took things the wrong way and only accomplished making myself thoroughly miserable. I had fun with Zaruba at dinner but had only depressing things to say about my relationship, which shouldn't be the way I portray it, because I'm so much happier than I've ever been! except for this whole graduation thing. But that's really the only thing that's bumming me out and I hate that it can ruin my day the way it did. I was in a pissy mood all night. He came over and we played cards -- and granted, I'm kind of a sore loser, especially when I play cards, and so I always pout a little when he wins. But tonight there were TEARS welling up when he beat me, and I had just beaten him, and it doesn't even make SENSE....
I sound like a crazy person. I realize that. But I really haven't actually vented this to anyone and it needed to be vented tonight. Maybe now I'll be able to sleep through a night. I hope.
On a much happier note, I'm living with Suzanne and Ellen and Rachel next year. Which makes me smile when I'm feeling sad. So that's a nicer way to end this particular entry.
I've been trying to ignore the question of the next few years as best I can recently, but it won't go away. I know, most of you are thinking "why is she so worried, it's only February....?" but.... something as big as The Next Two Years kind of makes you think. A lot. And it can get depressing.
Two years.
The problem becomes that I think too much about that prospect, and I get really sad. And then nothing goes my way for the rest of the day. That's all it takes to make me react badly to things, or to feel bad about myself or something. And this creates rather a problem in my everyday existence. Today, for example. I didn't even think about it that much, it just popped up into my head after I met with Dr Bibb about the Italy trip next year. I was thinking about how the trip ends on Valentines Day, and "oh, la de da, wouldn't it be romantic and blah blah blah if Bounds showed up in Italy on Valentine's Day, how cool." And then -- I swear to God it was like one of those little cartoons with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other -- the voices in my head had a little argument with themselves. What if we're not together then? Well, that's just crazy talk and it's depressing besides, you shouldn't think like that. Well, what if by that time the passion's gone and he doesn't WANT to meet you in Italy? That's just ridiculous, though. Yeah, you think so now, but you just wait until you've been three states away from him for four months and across the ocean from him for two and then see how he feels. He'll miss me, he'll want to see me. Or, he'll be fed up with having a girlfriend who's never there, and he'll give up. ........And on, and on, and on.
And it fucked up the rest of my day.
Everything everyone said was tainted somehow. I took things the wrong way and only accomplished making myself thoroughly miserable. I had fun with Zaruba at dinner but had only depressing things to say about my relationship, which shouldn't be the way I portray it, because I'm so much happier than I've ever been! except for this whole graduation thing. But that's really the only thing that's bumming me out and I hate that it can ruin my day the way it did. I was in a pissy mood all night. He came over and we played cards -- and granted, I'm kind of a sore loser, especially when I play cards, and so I always pout a little when he wins. But tonight there were TEARS welling up when he beat me, and I had just beaten him, and it doesn't even make SENSE....
I sound like a crazy person. I realize that. But I really haven't actually vented this to anyone and it needed to be vented tonight. Maybe now I'll be able to sleep through a night. I hope.
On a much happier note, I'm living with Suzanne and Ellen and Rachel next year. Which makes me smile when I'm feeling sad. So that's a nicer way to end this particular entry.
posted by Kira at 10:38 PM
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