Countdown
Life is weird.
Have you noticed that? I mean, life is just crazy, nuts, stick you in a straightjacket and hang you out to dry strange. And sometimes I feel like I don't belong.
I had my interview for the foreign study trip to Italy today, and it went as well as it possibly could have, but I don't think I'm going to get to go. Not because I don't deserve to as much as (or more than) the other people who applied... it's just a feeling I have. They asked me questions about the most random stuff... I mean, I was expecting "can you eat these foods", "have you ever been to italy", "why this trip instead of another one", etc. And I got asked if I would mind if my roommate drank while we were there. And I mean... I know that there are definitely people, especially here at Furman, who would be seriously upset by a roomie who was drinking. But I really don't care. I mean, I'll probably want to go out and drink sometimes, since I can in Italy, especially if other people are going, so I can't really get upset about it. And so I said, you know, of course not, I wouldn't care, it doesn't matter. And all of the questions kind of went that way. I was just really easygoing about all of it and I felt more like I was being interviewed about rooming situations than about the actual trip, which wasn't really what I had expected... I don't know. I'm way overanalyzing this interview, I know. It's mostly because I have not gotten enough sleep this weekend AT ALL. And so I'm inclined to assume the worst about stuff. And I really ought to just forget about it, now that it's over. I'll hear about it after Easter so I should put it out of my head until then.
Should.
My life seems to be a series of countdowns recently. There's the countdown till Wednesday night, when I get to go home for a night before heading out to Arizona for Easter. There's the countdown till *whenever* next week when I'll find out about the foreign study trip. There's the countdown till beach weekend. (Gah. That's a scary countdown. I need to start my diet like... yesterday.) There's the countdown till the FUtones/Madrigals spring concert. The countdown till graduation.... that's another scary one.
I wonder, sometimes, if the Madrigals are going to stick around after I graduate. I really want them to. But I'm not sure how to ensure that it happens. I guess all I can do is keep at it while I'm here and keep my fingers crossed. I'm discovering that I'm not the kind of person who likes things to be taken out of my hands. So that countdown, though it's a looooong way away, is also scary.
Talked to one of the girls on the hall today about her life before Furman and how sheltered so many students here are. It was a really interesting discussion. Scary to think how out of touch with reality most of us are. Or rather, how out of touch with other people's realities. I can count on one hand the number of people here who know certain things about my background that don't really fit in with the cookie cutter Furman student, and that's not because they're my only friends, it's just because there are very few people here that I would trust to understand where I come from.
I like it here, but I've become a much less outspoken, outgoing person since I've come to Furman. And I don't know if I'm a fan of the new me.
I really want certain stressors in my life to just leave me alone. Some of them are my own fault and some of them are things I can't control, and I want all of them to go away. It really bothers me that I have to walk on eggshells with certain people and in certain situations, and I'm so damn tired of it that I've come real close to making some real bad decisions about how to handle it. I don't even know who reads this thing, but if you've helped me through some of those near-misses then thanks. And you should know who you are. :-)
I hope Phoenix is fun. I really want some fun.
Have you noticed that? I mean, life is just crazy, nuts, stick you in a straightjacket and hang you out to dry strange. And sometimes I feel like I don't belong.
I had my interview for the foreign study trip to Italy today, and it went as well as it possibly could have, but I don't think I'm going to get to go. Not because I don't deserve to as much as (or more than) the other people who applied... it's just a feeling I have. They asked me questions about the most random stuff... I mean, I was expecting "can you eat these foods", "have you ever been to italy", "why this trip instead of another one", etc. And I got asked if I would mind if my roommate drank while we were there. And I mean... I know that there are definitely people, especially here at Furman, who would be seriously upset by a roomie who was drinking. But I really don't care. I mean, I'll probably want to go out and drink sometimes, since I can in Italy, especially if other people are going, so I can't really get upset about it. And so I said, you know, of course not, I wouldn't care, it doesn't matter. And all of the questions kind of went that way. I was just really easygoing about all of it and I felt more like I was being interviewed about rooming situations than about the actual trip, which wasn't really what I had expected... I don't know. I'm way overanalyzing this interview, I know. It's mostly because I have not gotten enough sleep this weekend AT ALL. And so I'm inclined to assume the worst about stuff. And I really ought to just forget about it, now that it's over. I'll hear about it after Easter so I should put it out of my head until then.
Should.
My life seems to be a series of countdowns recently. There's the countdown till Wednesday night, when I get to go home for a night before heading out to Arizona for Easter. There's the countdown till *whenever* next week when I'll find out about the foreign study trip. There's the countdown till beach weekend. (Gah. That's a scary countdown. I need to start my diet like... yesterday.) There's the countdown till the FUtones/Madrigals spring concert. The countdown till graduation.... that's another scary one.
I wonder, sometimes, if the Madrigals are going to stick around after I graduate. I really want them to. But I'm not sure how to ensure that it happens. I guess all I can do is keep at it while I'm here and keep my fingers crossed. I'm discovering that I'm not the kind of person who likes things to be taken out of my hands. So that countdown, though it's a looooong way away, is also scary.
Talked to one of the girls on the hall today about her life before Furman and how sheltered so many students here are. It was a really interesting discussion. Scary to think how out of touch with reality most of us are. Or rather, how out of touch with other people's realities. I can count on one hand the number of people here who know certain things about my background that don't really fit in with the cookie cutter Furman student, and that's not because they're my only friends, it's just because there are very few people here that I would trust to understand where I come from.
I like it here, but I've become a much less outspoken, outgoing person since I've come to Furman. And I don't know if I'm a fan of the new me.
I really want certain stressors in my life to just leave me alone. Some of them are my own fault and some of them are things I can't control, and I want all of them to go away. It really bothers me that I have to walk on eggshells with certain people and in certain situations, and I'm so damn tired of it that I've come real close to making some real bad decisions about how to handle it. I don't even know who reads this thing, but if you've helped me through some of those near-misses then thanks. And you should know who you are. :-)
I hope Phoenix is fun. I really want some fun.
posted by Kira at 12:40 PM
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