I. Cannot. Be. Getting. Sick.
boo. hiss.
I am not at all sure that the violence in abovementioned sentiment was properly conveyed.
With the exception of time spent with the boy, what a shitty weekend...
So. I am now the proud possessor of five bucks. Until (a) Mojo pays me the last ten he owes me (big whoop) and/or (b) the check from Mom comes in the mail. Still don't know how much she sent. And all, or at least a large portion, of that has to go to Bounds to pay him back for covering me for beach weekend with the Pi Kapps. Which leaves me where?
Five bucks.
I get paid in two weeks. Meanwhile, I have to live off of DH food and the very little I have in my room (mostly food gone bad/expired), plus I can't buy any, say, contact solution, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. Know what I have to say to that? Poop. Chicken poop, to be exact. So there.
On top of that, I appear to be getting sick. There is a tenuous connection to a boy who has mono which makes me very, very afraid of the sore throat I've been trying to ignore and the exhaustion that's been setting in, in spite of getting (mostly) plenty of sleep. Granted, yesterday I was tired because of a lack of sleep, but last night I got LOADS and today at Publix I had trouble standing upright while I was waiting in line. Pathetic. Scary.
I cannot be getting sick.
ANDDDDD.... I am ridiculously frustrated with FUtones and I feel like I'm the only one who feels that way, which makes me even more frustrated. The lack of committment to the group exhibited by certain (key) people is driving me crazy. And to watch that group in comparison to Madrigals just makes me sad. Madrigals is such a young group. There are days when I feel like the only reason we're still going is because I'm kind of obsessive about it. I mean, I started it, I have a right to be a little obsessive, but really, I look at FUtones and see the apathy that's there in people I would never have expected and I wonder if Madrigals even has a chance. Because I know that in general, the FUtones care a lot more than the Madrigals. As a group, anyway. But yesterday, FOUR FUTONES just didn't show. Two of them had excuses. Two of them just never answered their phones. And that's not including the three people who were already supposed to be gone. So we were missing seven. And apparently, I was the only one who gave a shit. I mean, yeah, other people were kind of like 'wtf, mate?' but they were all really quick to accept excuses and say 'oh, whatever, we still did okay, so it's fine that they didn't come.' And to me, that's bull. And it's a dangerous precedent to set to say that whenever you wake up and just don't feel like coming to a performance, that's fine. I mean, I didn't want to go, yesterday! I hadn't gotten enough sleep and I already wasn't feeling well. And there's definitely work I could have been doing, or whatever. But I never even considered just not showing up. Because you don't DO that. You don't ... you don't fucking do that. And you know, maybe I'm more upset by it because I'm in charge of the Madrigals and I see it from the standpoint of a musical director who knows that when you lose even one person you weren't anticipating, it throws everything off. But everyone should know that. No one has an excuse.
And I know that I should say all of that to the group, because keeping it in, or just venting it to other people (and here) is not going to help me or the rest of the FUtones. But every time I think about saying what I think in front of them, I think about what happened to Bounds last year and I get scared of being forced out. I get scared of the politics, the backbiting, the one person I already know would push to have me quit and all of the people that one person can intimidate into thinking the same way. And I wonder if it's worth it to speak my opinion and say what I think, and call people out who need to be called out. I wonder if the ensuing drama and the explosion of negativity, just from one person, is even worth it.
This entry is pretty much a copout way for me to get everything out just in case I don't have the guts to speak up at rehearsal tonight. And I'm really not proud of that. But I know that some of the FUtones read this, and maybe, whether or not I say something tonight, that will help get my point across.
Sigh.
One person should not have the ability to intimidate me this much. I really think if I don't say anything tonight, I'm going to explode.
I am not at all sure that the violence in abovementioned sentiment was properly conveyed.
With the exception of time spent with the boy, what a shitty weekend...
So. I am now the proud possessor of five bucks. Until (a) Mojo pays me the last ten he owes me (big whoop) and/or (b) the check from Mom comes in the mail. Still don't know how much she sent. And all, or at least a large portion, of that has to go to Bounds to pay him back for covering me for beach weekend with the Pi Kapps. Which leaves me where?
Five bucks.
I get paid in two weeks. Meanwhile, I have to live off of DH food and the very little I have in my room (mostly food gone bad/expired), plus I can't buy any, say, contact solution, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. Know what I have to say to that? Poop. Chicken poop, to be exact. So there.
On top of that, I appear to be getting sick. There is a tenuous connection to a boy who has mono which makes me very, very afraid of the sore throat I've been trying to ignore and the exhaustion that's been setting in, in spite of getting (mostly) plenty of sleep. Granted, yesterday I was tired because of a lack of sleep, but last night I got LOADS and today at Publix I had trouble standing upright while I was waiting in line. Pathetic. Scary.
I cannot be getting sick.
ANDDDDD.... I am ridiculously frustrated with FUtones and I feel like I'm the only one who feels that way, which makes me even more frustrated. The lack of committment to the group exhibited by certain (key) people is driving me crazy. And to watch that group in comparison to Madrigals just makes me sad. Madrigals is such a young group. There are days when I feel like the only reason we're still going is because I'm kind of obsessive about it. I mean, I started it, I have a right to be a little obsessive, but really, I look at FUtones and see the apathy that's there in people I would never have expected and I wonder if Madrigals even has a chance. Because I know that in general, the FUtones care a lot more than the Madrigals. As a group, anyway. But yesterday, FOUR FUTONES just didn't show. Two of them had excuses. Two of them just never answered their phones. And that's not including the three people who were already supposed to be gone. So we were missing seven. And apparently, I was the only one who gave a shit. I mean, yeah, other people were kind of like 'wtf, mate?' but they were all really quick to accept excuses and say 'oh, whatever, we still did okay, so it's fine that they didn't come.' And to me, that's bull. And it's a dangerous precedent to set to say that whenever you wake up and just don't feel like coming to a performance, that's fine. I mean, I didn't want to go, yesterday! I hadn't gotten enough sleep and I already wasn't feeling well. And there's definitely work I could have been doing, or whatever. But I never even considered just not showing up. Because you don't DO that. You don't ... you don't fucking do that. And you know, maybe I'm more upset by it because I'm in charge of the Madrigals and I see it from the standpoint of a musical director who knows that when you lose even one person you weren't anticipating, it throws everything off. But everyone should know that. No one has an excuse.
And I know that I should say all of that to the group, because keeping it in, or just venting it to other people (and here) is not going to help me or the rest of the FUtones. But every time I think about saying what I think in front of them, I think about what happened to Bounds last year and I get scared of being forced out. I get scared of the politics, the backbiting, the one person I already know would push to have me quit and all of the people that one person can intimidate into thinking the same way. And I wonder if it's worth it to speak my opinion and say what I think, and call people out who need to be called out. I wonder if the ensuing drama and the explosion of negativity, just from one person, is even worth it.
This entry is pretty much a copout way for me to get everything out just in case I don't have the guts to speak up at rehearsal tonight. And I'm really not proud of that. But I know that some of the FUtones read this, and maybe, whether or not I say something tonight, that will help get my point across.
Sigh.
One person should not have the ability to intimidate me this much. I really think if I don't say anything tonight, I'm going to explode.
posted by Kira at 9:59 AM
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